Ask Me Why
I wrote a few drafts of this note and all of them just kept opening into something wider and more difficult to articulate. I think that’s one reason I love writing songs. There is a clear end, a finality, and it’s my ask of myself as the writer to convey what I’m feeling as clearly as I can within the lines of the music. So, rather than loosely explore why this song came to be, I’m going to borrow the framework of the song and say it, short and sweet:
I have not been feeling great.
I have been reading a lot both to comfort myself, and explore why.
I read two books by Alice Miller that shook me.
I realized that the older I get, the bigger the gap between younger me’s and present me grows.
I am holding on to hurts the younger me’s did not and could not comprehend, process, and express.
I am committed to helping them do that (comprehend, process, express) as best I can.
I feel this is an essential part of emotional maturation.
It is not easy.
It is scary.
It is vital.
And so I keep on the path of facing the not so easy, often scary parts so that I can express myself as best I can.
I try to be the person those younger me’s would have turned to in their hurt.
I hold space for them.
I ask them why they feel this way.
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Technical notes: I am really excited to share a couple of cool new elements from the recording and mixing perspective. First, I recorded my voice through a ribbon microphone (SE VR1) for the first time. From my novice seat, I noticed that my voice felt a bit fuller and less sibilant with this mic, although I had to be extra careful about boomy plosives like words that start with a ‘p’. This meant singing a bit more delicately in front of the mic and turning away just a bit on those tricky syllables. All of that led to a gentle singing style that I feel is quite different than my usual. It was a pleasant surprise, reminding me a bit of Keaton Henson’s style, though hopefully not too much so.
The second cool thing I tried here was adding a guitar pedal into my mixing for the first time. I don’t have very many plug-ins, nor do I want them, because option paralysis kicks my butt and I want less choices most of the time. I inserted my reverb pedal (Strymon Blue Sky) on the vocal channel*, plate setting, and then played back while turning the knobs. This in itself was so much fun for me, hearing in real time the changes and how it affected the feel of the song. With my limited gear, just this slight expansion made the world of possibility feel wider (in a good, non-paralytic way). The reverb on the track, while mono, felt so satisfying to me when compared to the typical reverb plug-ins I might play with. In this case, different felt really good, so I didn’t ask any more questions of myself.
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Thank you to Randy Thomas for being down with me, my songs, and my ideas. When I conceived the music video idea, I knew I wanted to be on the other side of the camera. Randy was my first ask to hang for a few hours, walk around, and let me try to bring the ideas out of my head and into my Sony Handycam. ILY dude.
Thank you to Flimzy’s Records for letting us shoot in their shop. I’ve picked up some of my favorite records thanks to Giuliano and it was really cool to add a place I enjoy spending my time in, into the video.
And thank you to Ace Enders for the mix notes and generosity with his time and skill. It’s a bit wild to me that I can text one of my favorite songwriters of all time for advice and he’ll respond back promptly with the “100” emoji and lend me his thoughts.
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*If anybody reads this part and wonders how to do this, email or dm me (scanlan.seamus@gmail.com; @shayduhg) and I’d be happy to help you. It took me so long to wrap my head around this, and now having done it, it feels silly that I was so confused by it. Let me be your YouTube.